Now That’s What I’ve Ultimately Deduced Were Whiskey-Influenced Decisions Totally Unrelated to My Parents’ Divorce, Vol. 2014

Join me in taking an eye contact-less look back on a year of shameful subversive outbursts, nudes, identifying humility and producing lazy alliterations. We’ve come a long way since you let that Uber driver touch your boobs during the World Series. Wipe your tears, Carlotta; it’s a new year, but undoubtedly the same old you. […]

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Turn Around, Bright Eyes: You Have 0 Missed Calls and 1 UTI

DISCLAIMER: It’s been brought to my attention recently that there are some of you (that may or may not have penises) that feel as though my choice of topics to write about are perhaps ‘one sided’ or ‘biased against men’. To which I applaud your correct usage of the word ‘bias’, however regret to inform […]

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“Blowjobs, Boyfriends and Getting Butt-hurt: An in depth look at the generational lie that is our sexual liberation”

WARNING: WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ CONTAINS EXPLICIT MATERIAL AND IN-DETAIL RECANTS OF SEXUAL ACTIIVITY WITH DOUCHELORDS WHOSE NAMES WILL BE CHANGED IN ORDER TO PROTECT THEIR “I BRUISE LIKE A PEACH” EGOS. IF YOU HAVE ANY QUALMS WITH THE FOLLOWING WORDS: ejaculate, fuckery, man-flesh, oral, or various other swear words or slang terms […]

25 & Incessently Poked By The Boner of Mortality

“The time has come,” the walrus said. “To remind you that you forgot to do your taxes and that you are too old to be wearing that Juicy tracksuit.” Isn’t she a beauty? Damn. I still cannot believe that this striking creature hasn’t been nabbed by some prince by now. Yet, here we are. […]

Mommy’s Little Masochist presents, “Suck My Diction: The rise and fall of the scrotum”

Greetings, earthlings. As most of you know, spring has sprung and so has my yearning to piss some people off. My apologies for the lack of activity as of late, but my ADHD has come back with vengeance, and since it stopped snowing and there has been color in the world again, it’s just one butterfly […]

Sex And The Single White Sociopath: A Shameless Journey of Better Understanding Sex, Society and Stigma

STOP: Any and all family members or judgmental shit bags that are easily offended, I urge you to close this browser and go watch Glenn Beck The stories you are about to read are real. For the protection of parties involved and to keep my parents from killing me, I have left all names and personal information […]

How Do You Get Drops Of Jupiter Out Of Hair?

“Keeping baggage from the past will leave no room for happiness in the future.” — Wayne L. Misner 2013: You know what you are? You’re that girl that blows guys the first night she meets them, but then is audacious enough to call other girls ‘whores’. You’re the guy that spends months talking to a […]

Diary of A Mad Black Masochist

I was going to open this post with one of my favorite blurts from my pal, Ernest (Hemingway). But I feel like my minions and the genuinely curious souls that find themselves frequenting this site don’t need to be reminded with just how highly I think of my intellectual status. So, how about that Patriots […]

Me so fat: me need male approval for everything

If love is a battlefield, why have I gained 11 pounds? And other unanswered questions of today’s post-apocalyptic 20-something emotionally wounded war heroes Now that we’ve covered that, let’s address the giant elephant hiding in your yoga pants: you got dumped. It happens. You did your best. I know how hard it was […]

In all seriousness

When you’re in love, and the person you’re in love with makes significant negative changes in his or her life, and then you end your relationship, are you mourning the relationship or the extinction of the person you were in love with?