If love is a battlefield, why have I gained 11 pounds? And other unanswered questions of today’s post-apocalyptic 20-something emotionally wounded war heroes
Now that we’ve covered that, let’s address the giant elephant hiding in your yoga pants: you got dumped. It happens. You did your best. I know how hard it was for you to try anal, and it was very generous of you to explore so far outside of your comfort zone for the sake of keeping a man. But unfortunately, you and your asshole have failed. Please note that it is not the end of the world. I know that it feels like you’ll never meet another frat guy again and that your existence has come to a screeching halt. But in fact, both metaphorically and literally, it is quite actually just the beginning for you, my beloved fat-fat. So pick yourself up by your love handles, brush off those Cheetos crumbs, get in the shower and take a seat
We’ve established the fact that the relationship is over, but we now must talk about why you are so completely distraught, when whether you’d like to admit it or not, you’ve been sexting that guy you blew on Fake Pattys Day last year, for what, 3 months now? And you have been miserable in this relationship for a while now. Why is that, fatty? Probably because this generation’s yearning to rush into a committed relationship and to get attention from anyone that will give it has reached epidemic status. Why are we so complacent being party to interpersonal dynamics that are neither healthy nor productive? What uncle is responsible for this destructive behavioral pattern? And when I say uncle, I clearly mean what specific life event are you not taking responsibility for that is causing you to act like an emotional terrorist? I’ll give you a minute to think on it.
We good? Okay. Let’s move on as to how we are going to appropriately apply this information to our future one-night-stand(s) and relationships. First of all, we need to accept that we had at least 50% to do with what has happened, and acknowledged that despite what we portray to be on Instagram, we are from perfect, and perhaps our behavior could use a shoe shine. Once you’ve done that, it will be far more possible to attain a more adult and successful relationship with someone. I don’t know about you, but I would like my generation to be known for more than just unhealthy unions, the rapid fire of HPV and the invention of the hash tag.
Swish that around in your mouth for a little bit, and stay tuned. My vodka is getting cold.