This is going to be a deliciously rhetoric’d rant on the female’s natural tendency to play, hate, ball and shotcall. So, I’m sorry “men”, I’m going to have to ask you to sit this one out.
Ladies, (And I use that term loosely) (Just a guess) I ask but two things of you: 1) stop being so affected by what less attractive shebeasts have to negatively say about you. 2) stop being so butthurt with what the mirror has to show you that you have to go around saying unbecoming things about people that are better looking than you are.
Some of you are probably saying “But Katie, what about all the things you have to say about girls, that aren’t very nice?” To which I reply with: shut up, bitch.
But I digress.
First of all, believe it or not, I am not only one of the most beloved pricks in the Kansas City metro area, but I haven’t always been everyone’s favorite cup of gasoline, to which I say: LOLZ. But unfortunately for you ladies, you don’t share my superbly humorous outlook on life. You need to understand that you are never going to please everyone, and that’s okay. You’ll be fine. (But serious question: why would you even want to? Fucking weirdos) And don’t give me the bullshit about how being a good person and your parents divorce was the hardest thing you ever went through and blah blah blah. I get this whole generational trend of desperately wanting everyone to like you and make everyone happy, (which I never understood. Hence my excessive need to use the word ‘cunt’) but you need to give it up, put it in the box in the closet with the mixtapes your 8th grade boyfriend gave you, and realize that you look like a pussy, and I’m running out of tampons and tissues for all of your emotional needs.
But this is not going to be about how annoyingly sensitive most of you are. I’ll save that tasty dish for another day.
Alright cunts, time to wake up. This is your segment.
First of all, you should know that personally, I love the attention. So keep writing, talking, singing and sobbing all of your enormously clever things about me. The more you talk, the harder my metaphorical attention dick becomes. So, please continue. With that being said, what the fuck did your father do to you that you feel the need to fill your time with stress eating, snorting Adderall and talking about people. It must have been pretty bad for you to be so obsessed with talking negatively about people that are ‘killing it’ in their personal and professional lives. It actually makes me laugh that your love handles have pushed you to the point of doing nothing but concentrating your thoughts on one person. Do you have no thirst for living and having relationships? (Seriously, let’s talk about your Dad) Or is it strictly the age old cliche of being jealous of everything that person has? Or is it butthurt-ness about not getting certain opportunities or experiences as your obsession, due to you being an exponentially less awesome person? (which could refer back to jealousy thing, but whatever) Stop me any time. I just don’t understand it for the life of me. I get to say and do whatever I please, due to my superior genetics, intellect and sense of humor. But you, my dear cunt, cannot. And saying negative things about me, like I said, totally cool. I’m confident in who I am, and put myself out there in a such a manner that I expect there to be reaction, and welcome it with open legs. But to someone who doesn’t do that, to say and do hurtful things, to a successful and genuine human being. That’s just bad form. And you’re better than that, cunts. That’s like talking shit to a puppy. Or a blind, paraplegic with erectile dysfunction.
You wouldn’t do that. Would you, cunts?
Eh maybe you would. Whatever. This is my final plea, before I take to stapling gas receipts to various parts of your bodies: Buy yourself a pair of Nikes, go for a fucking jog. Come to terms with your nipple size: odds are you’re going to be stuck with it for a while. Understand that no matter how badly you want it, you will never be me, or her, or him. Be cool enough with what you got, to be able to have a life of substance and meaning. And for fuck’s sake, STOP calling girls fat and ugly and this and that, when you look like something The Situation had burned off his cock. And remember the saying ‘Girls in HPV houses shouldn’t throw stones’. Shut your mouth. Do your own thing. Live and let live, my cunt. Because I promise you, one day, everyone will have my outlook, and your negativity won’t get to anyone, like ever. And then what will you do?
Think about it.
Have a blessed day, ladies and cunts.